Honestly, I haven't feel so disturbed in a while. I'm fine going through every 5th day of the month, but somehow, today feels like the day I was left here alone, all over again. It devastate me sometimes. I may look happy on the outside cause I choose to be happy, but the wound is still there. It is still fresh, it is still wide open and it still hurts.
I made myself tired over the past few days so I could just slept off the moment I hit the sack. I went out from morning till midnight, I don't even feel like staying at home at the moment. I made myself go through this vicious cycle cause I'm scare I might be emotional again. I don't talk much about how I feel cause it seemed like it doesn't matter anymore.
To everyone, everything is in the past, it's over, or so they said. To me it feels like it was just yesterday that my heart was broken.
Nevertheless, to look at the bright side, I feel like I've grown up a lot. I've learnt a lot from this. I've learnt not to plan so far ahead into the future with someone that might leave you half way through. Plan something that only have YOU. Don't ever include anybody else, people come and go.
I've also learn that it is so easy to fall for the trap of "would you be my girlfriend?" when you're all vulnerable and fresh from a break up. Of course people cared about you, they comfort you and all, then your brain will go all "okay I think I might be in love with this person". But no, your brain is playing a trick on you, you just probably like that person, and mainly, you just need someone to fall into and rely on.
There's really a big difference between "like" and "love". Although most people assume they are the same. I should know, coz I "like" many people before, but I only love once. You'd do anything for the person you love, if you ask me to take a bullet now, I would do it, no questions asked.
Funnily, I was this girl who looked really strong on the outside, but if you know me well enough, I'm not like that at all. I'm more vulnerable than any of you behind those fake confidence and the crazy temper that I have. I tend to rely on people too much.
After my heart's been broken, I found out that I can actually not rely on one person, and still live on. I don't want to break anyone's heart like the way my heart was broken. It is cruel. It really is. It shatters your whole world into pieces, and you're left alone to put the pieces back together in the aftermath. Thank God I have a bunch of friends as my support system, and I've found a lot of new friends along the way that really helped me put all the pieces back together and assure me that I'd be alright.
I haven't cry in a while, and I'm planning to keep that up. Crying doesn't solve problems, but sometimes it is good to cry. I've let myself cried for weeks and weeks, and I guess the mourning period is over. Time to reboot and restart everything. I'm on my way to recovery.
Time to lock up all the good and bad memory somewhere deep inside my heart, and throw the keys away. I don't know if I'd be able to make a full recovery and I don't think I'd be able to give my heart away like that anymore.
All I'm looking forward to is to have a job. Family, Friends and Money is the most important thing in my life right now. Since the fortune teller said I'm gonna get married when I'm 27 years old, I'm gonna look forward to that as well. Maybe I did found someone that really loves me for who I am, afterall.
I'm really glad that I don't need to be with anyone else to feel good about myself or be happy, I'm much stronger than that. I never thought I could do it, and I'm really thankful that I never felt lonely. Although God took away the one person that I really love, but I was given a bunch of people that really cared and love me in return, which is something I'm really thankful for.
I thought God were cruel at first, but then again, that wasn't the case. God opened my eyes and told me to wake up and look around, cause there are people that really love and appreciate you, and these people are your real friends. Why not get love from 100 people rather than one people who might not appreciate you at all.
There's really no hatred in my heart ... just sadness. I'll be fine.
Happy Birthday to you.
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