It still feels like it was just yesterday when we sat in the car and talked about the future and the possibility of breaking up. I think it was me that asked if we could stay friends after breaking up and you didn't exactly give me a yes or no answer ... And I cried after that ... I think. But at least she hugged me when I cried back then.
I expected us to break up, 3 months into the relationship, but we lasted 3 years. I don't even know if we broke up on good terms or not ... But looking at the current situation (as in not keeping in touch with each other anymore, and with her raising her voice 5 seconds into the conversation with me every single time), I think we ended on bad terms.
Sometimes I wonder, why didn't I just fix our relationship like I used to whenever we argue. I just need to tell her that I'm sorry and "change" myself again to make her happy, but unfortunately, it wasn't the same this time around. Both of us are tired and ... the best part ... she don't love me anymore.
The memory of the night we broke up is still vivid in my mind. We were texting back and forth, we're arguing about something, she was saying something really mean, indirectly forcing me to be the one suggesting the break up. Finally when I asked her if she still loves me ... her reply?... "I don't know". I kept asking myself, "Is this all worth it? Should I just let her go? Being with me makes her sad and tired".
Finally I told myself, "If you love her, then let her go. She don't love you anymore, no point tying her up". Then I typed "我們就到這" (Meaning: Our relationship ends here) and sent the message off. It wasn't something that I just type and sent off, I was staring at the message that I typed for quite some time, and it took a lot of courage to send that message. I'm quite sure she was happy to received that message, cause she's free and she's not the "dumper" in the relationship, cause technically I "dump" her, making her the "good guy" in this situation.
I remember getting the reply "Are you sure about this?", instead of a "no" or anything that might stop me from doing that. I cried after sending off that message and somehow I felt like calling her and talk things out, and I did ... but she refused to pick up the calls. I think I called about 20 times that night. I send her messages begging her to answer my calls, and eventually she did, but she refused to say anything. She was listening to me crying over the phone, and she did nothing. Like always, haha! I don't think anybody in this world can get a chair, sit there and watch other people cry in front of you, but she sure can and she did, haha!
Before you guys think that I'm a crybaby, I'm not, and I'm sure none of my friends ever seen me cry, not even my parents. I hardly cry, even if I did cry, it would be cause I'm really tired of getting hurt, or if I held something inside for a very long time.
Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep that night ...
I guess I need to learn to look at the bright side of things, I got to know this friend, whom I temporarily fell for (or I'd say had a crush on) cause he was there for me. I guess at that moment in time, I just need someone to be there so I can get back up on my feet again, and he was there to mentally support me, although I did doubt his intention. I don't blame him even if he had an intention, cause everyone comes into your life to teach you a valuable lesson and when their job is done, something will happen and they will leave.
Well, at least I can stand up on my own two feet again, for that, I have him to thank, but he still did not take away the feelings I had for my ex. 3 years of memories doesn't just take 3 months to delete. I might take years, and sometimes it would be there forever.
I guess that's the worst part about me, I don't just erase and move on, I'm not her. I think by the time I got into another relationship, she would have gone through at least 5 other relationships. Look at her, she's gone through one, right after the break up, and I think she's in another relationship now, which makes that two. How many relationship I've been into? None. Zero.
Yes, I was hanging out with certain people, but I'm most definitely not in a relationship with them. Most people like to assume I was in a relationship at the point in time, but I wasn't. I'm pretty clear about things when it comes to relationship. It's either I'm in a relationship or I'm not.
So yea, I really don't know how to end this post ... so hmm ..
x,
Maple
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